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" About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation. "

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" You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way. "

" One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials. "

" Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. "

" Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. "

" Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse. "

" I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. "

" We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can. "

" People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide. "

" America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there. "

" Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due. "

" Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it. "

" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. "

" All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. "

" The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?' "

" Things ain't what they used to be and never were. "

" Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln. "

" The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living. "

" Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation. "

" Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. "

" Politics is applesauce. "

" There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. "

" A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. "

" On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. "

" We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others. "

" If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production. "

" Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like. "

" In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing. "

" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "

" When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs. "

" We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? "