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" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

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" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

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" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

Sabrina Carpenter

" To me, wealth is the peace of mind you have, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Everything else is just money, and it really is funny how people pay so much attention to that. "

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" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "

" For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. "

George A. Romero

" Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun. "

Jennette McCurdy

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' "

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "

" I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. "

" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "

Laurence J. Peter

" If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "

" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

" One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials. "

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

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" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. "

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "

" What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. "

" Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in. "

" I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it. "

" I discovered that funny animal pictures - memes - would get a lot of likes and shares. "

" I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. "

" Justice Scalia and I served together on the D.C. Circuit. So his votes are not surprising to me. What I like about him is that he's very funny and very smart. "

Ruth Bader Ginsburg