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" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

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" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

" Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "

" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "

" The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. "

" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "