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" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "

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" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "

" Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "