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" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

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" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "

" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "

" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "

" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "

" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "

" The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. "

" Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it. "