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" Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. "

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" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "

" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "