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" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

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" When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. "

Esther Williams

" I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. "

" I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. "

" I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" If I get dressed up, and my boyfriend says, 'You look gorgeous,' I kinda feel funny. I don't know if I'm particularly comfortable with being attractive. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human. "

" A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it. "

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

" I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. "

" I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these moments at the Catdance Film Festival. "

" Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but more importantly, the joke has the potential to not be funny to you but to someone else. "

Phoebe Robinson

" When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding. "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" I like being funny; I like laughing with people. "

" I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "

Richard Dawkins

" If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? "

Abraham Lincoln

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" I have never been hurt by what I have not said. "

Calvin Coolidge

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "