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" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

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" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" I like definitive things. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "