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" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

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" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "