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" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

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" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "