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" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "
Erma Bombeck
Rest
Child
Hat
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" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
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" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "
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" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "
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" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "
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" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "
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" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "
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" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
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" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "
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" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "
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" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "
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" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "
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" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "
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" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
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" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "
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" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
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" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "
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" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "
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" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
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" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
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