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" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

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" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" The cynics are right nine times out of ten. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "