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" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

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" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "