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" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

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" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "