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" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

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" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "