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" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "

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" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "