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" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

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" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "