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" The cynics are right nine times out of ten. "

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" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "