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" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

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" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "