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" Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. "

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" All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "

" Though I do manage to mumble around in about seven or eight languages, English remains the most beautiful of languages. It will do anything. "

" The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

Garrison Keillor

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. "

" Loving someone liberates the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age. "

" Once you appreciate one of your blessings, one of your senses, your sense of hearing, then you begin to respect the sense of seeing and touching and tasting, you learn to respect all the senses. "

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" I have a son, who is my heart. A wonderful young man, daring and loving and strong and kind. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" All information belongs to everybody all the time. It should be available. It should be accessible to the child, to the woman, to the man, to the old person, to the semiliterate, to the presidents of universities, to everyone. It should be open. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning. "

" It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. "

" I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. "

" I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed. "

" The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. "

Thomas A. Edison

" I like to speak on matters which matter to human beings, and almost everything matters to human beings. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "

" I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. "