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" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

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" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "

" You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time. "

Michael Schumacher

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "

" The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. "

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" Every man has a sane spot somewhere. "

Robert Louis Stevenson

" We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I never thought of myself as like, a funny person. "

" I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. "

" Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. "

" A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' "

" I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. "

Winston Churchill

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus. "

Yuval Noah Harari

" I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. "

" I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. "

Michael Crichton

" It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid. "

Catherine McCormack

" An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. "

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" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "

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