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" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

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" I liked the clear morality of 1941, when you had no doubt about good and evil. There was a lot of idealism, people fighting for a cause. People are searching for morality today. "

David L. Wolper

People

Today

Good And Evil

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wearing

Funny

Woman

" I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. "

" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. "

" I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. "

" Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. "

" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "

" My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

Lenny Bruce

Company

Funny

" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "

" I think serial monogamy says it all. "

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" I was the first independent to walk in with a documentary. "

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

Meghan Markle

Funny

Son

" I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. "

" I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much. "

" I can possibly say I have entertained and educated more people than anyone else in the world. "

" I don't call four hours a miniseries. "

" There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny. "

" I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

Mark Twain

Hell

Heaven

" One man's folly is another man's wife. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones. "

Jerry Lewis

Handsome

God

" I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and that has its problems. And then I'll go out with the funny guy. It's almost like the funny guy has more to prove. "

Jennifer Coolidge

Funny

Good-Looking

" I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. "

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "