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" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

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" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" I did 'Love's Labour's Lost' in the theater and found it to be riotously funny. "

Kenneth Branagh

" I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. "

" Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

Judah Friedlander

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher. "

" It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life. "

" It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' "

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

" A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. "

Ernest Hemingway

" As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body. "

Kristen Stewart

" My dreams were always small and puny. All I ever needed was a little house with a little picket fence by the sea. Little did I know that I would live in Malacanang Palace for 20 years and visit all the major palaces of mankind. And then also meet ordinary citizens and the leaders of superpowers. "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. "

" If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? "

Abraham Lincoln

" Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "