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" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "

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" When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. "

" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "

" For an introvert his environment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change. "

" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "