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" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Friend
She
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
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" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
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" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "
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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
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" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "
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" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
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" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "
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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
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" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
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" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
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Parents
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" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "
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" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
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Used
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Ugly