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" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "

Rodney Dangerfield

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" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "

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" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

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" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "

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" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "

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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "

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" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "

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" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "

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