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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "

Rodney Dangerfield

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" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" In strictly medical terms, there's no difference between HIV and diabetes; they're not curable, but they're very, very highly treatable, and early information is power. The only thing - literally the only thing - that is different is the stigma. And we have to overcome it, because it is now the only reason people are dying. "

" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. "

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. "

" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. "

Arthur Schopenhauer

" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Life is just a bowl of pits. "

Rodney Dangerfield