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" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Electric
Chair
Uncle
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" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
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" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
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" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
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" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
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" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
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" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
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" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
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" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
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" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "
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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
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Pet
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Ask
" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
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She
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" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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Two
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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
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Opinion
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" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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Fight
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" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
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She
Day
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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Kept
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" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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Hope
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" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
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Used
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" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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