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" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

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" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "