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" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

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" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "