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" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

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" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "