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" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "
Rita Rudner
Jokes
Love
Write
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" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "
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" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "
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" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
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" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "
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" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "
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" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "
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" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "
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" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
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Loved
" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
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Fun
Birthday
" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "
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Independence
Done
" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "
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Who
Attention
You
" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "
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Started
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Sunlight
" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
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Lose
Rich
Respect
" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
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Care
Take Care
Parents
" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
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" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
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Get
Happy
Joke
" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "
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Two
Very
Bank
" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "
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Always
Trying
People
" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "
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Name
Always
First
" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "
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Night
Men
Fall
" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
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Love
Never
Fallen
" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
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Class
Got
Mine
" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "
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Marriage
Hollywood
Success
" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "
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Best
Half
Audience
" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "
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Will
Say
Nothing
" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "
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Cult
Wonder
Weird
" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
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New
" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "
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Live
Night
Partner
" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "
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Worrying
Worry
Skills