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" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

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" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "