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" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

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" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "