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" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

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" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

Rita Rudner

Acting

Dancing

Thought

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

Rita Rudner

Too Much

Conversation

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

Rita Rudner

Authority

Person

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

Rita Rudner

Want

Him

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

Rita Rudner

Feet

Dog

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "