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" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

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" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "