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" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Audience
Always
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" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "
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" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "
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" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "
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" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "
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" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
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" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "
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" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "
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" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "
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" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "
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" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
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" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "
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" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
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" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "
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Men
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" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "
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Most
" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "
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War
Will
Country
" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
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" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "
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" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
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" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "
Rita Rudner
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" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "
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" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
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Good
Fun
Birthday
" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "
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You
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First
" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "
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Two
Very
Bank
" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
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Never
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" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "
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Dog
" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "
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" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
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" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
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