Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

Related Quotes:

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "