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" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

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" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "