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" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

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" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "