Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
Rita Rudner
Care
Take Care
Parents
Related Quotes:
" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "
Rita Rudner
New
Men
Attract
" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Worth
Age
" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
Rita Rudner
Comedy
Dancing
Loved
" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "
Rita Rudner
Simple
Me
Pleased
" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
Rita Rudner
Disappear
Teach
New
" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "
Rita Rudner
Audience
Feel
Feel Good
" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "
Rita Rudner
Always
Say
Fire
" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
Rita Rudner
Singing
Writing
Comedy
" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "
Rita Rudner
Down
Play
Country
" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "
Rita Rudner
Bad
Barbie
Grow
" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "
Rita Rudner
Right
Body
Off
" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
Rita Rudner
Lose
Rich
Respect
" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "
Rita Rudner
Who
Attention
You
" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Audience
Always
" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "
Rita Rudner
Night
Men
Fall
" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "
Rita Rudner
Two
Very
Bank
" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
Rita Rudner
Good
Fun
Birthday
" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "
Rita Rudner
Up And Down
Down
Gym
" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
Rita Rudner
Get
Happy
Joke
" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
Rita Rudner
Class
Got
Mine
" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "
Rita Rudner
Mother
Taste
Most
" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
Rita Rudner
You
Rest
Great
" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "
Rita Rudner
Three
Two
She
" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "
Rita Rudner
Live
Night
Partner
" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "
Rita Rudner
Only
Mother
Buried
" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "
Rita Rudner
Best
Half
Audience
" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "
Rita Rudner
You
Man
Over
" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "
Rita Rudner
Asked
Would
Where
" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "
Rita Rudner
Up
Want
Him
" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "
Rita Rudner
Love
Companion
Better