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" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

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" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "