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" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

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" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

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" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "