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" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "
Rita Rudner
Up And Down
Down
Gym
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" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "
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" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
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" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
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" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
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" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "
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Always
Say
Fire
" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "
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Asked
Would
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" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
Rita Rudner
Acting
Dancing
Thought
" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "
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Marriage
Hollywood
Success
" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
Rita Rudner
Care
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Parents
" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
Rita Rudner
Disappear
Teach
New
" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "
Rita Rudner
Sarcastic
Personality
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" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "
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New
Men
Attract
" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
Rita Rudner
Think
Pain
Ear
" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "
Rita Rudner
You
Basics
First
" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
Rita Rudner
Lose
Rich
Respect
" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "
Rita Rudner
Down
Play
Country
" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "
Rita Rudner
Only
Mother
Buried
" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "
Rita Rudner
Much
Independence
Done
" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "
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Who
Attention
You
" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "
Rita Rudner
Worrying
Worry
Skills
" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
Rita Rudner
Get
Happy
Joke
" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "
Rita Rudner
Authority
Person
Me
" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "
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Want
Think
Children
" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
Rita Rudner
Good
Fun
Birthday
" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "
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How
Act
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" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "
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Laugh
You
Want
" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "
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Name
Always
First
" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "
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Good
Friends
" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "
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Bad
Barbie
Grow
" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "
Rita Rudner
Up
Want
Him