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" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

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" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "