Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

Related Quotes:

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "