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" I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. "

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" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny - but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way - there's a lot of people who say, 'I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it.' "

" People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life. "

" I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. "

" What I've learned is that unless it's an emergency, like a fire or brain surgery, hierarchy is not necessary and may be damaging. If you have a hierarchy, you're repeating the strengths and weaknesses of one person without allowing for the accumulative strength of a group. "

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" Women tend to be conservative in youth and get more radical as they get older because they lose power with age. So if a young woman is not a feminist, I say, 'Just wait.' "

" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

" It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. "

" Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On 'Parks and Rec,' we've got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don't just effuse to one another and be like, 'Oh, Rob Lowe's really funny,' if he wasn't. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" Include me out. "

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

" I'm probably not very funny. The scripts just don't come in, or the ones that do aren't that good. I suppose I'm just an old drama queen, really. "

" I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. "

" Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. "

Henry Kissinger

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" The electoral system is not where change starts - it usually starts in communities and from the bottom up - but it is where change can be stopped. "

" In the suffragist and abolitionist era, there were a lot of white women and some black men and women who argued for the old hierarchy and against universal adult suffrage - often on religious grounds. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

" 'Ms.' always flouted the rules of the ad world that say, especially for products directed at women, that the ad must be connected to the editorial. You don't have food ads unless you have recipes. You don't get clothing ads unless you have lavish fashion coverage. We never did that; every other women's magazine does. "

" You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't. "

Garry Shandling

" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "

" What has the women's movement learned from Geraldine Ferraro's candidacy for vice president? Never get married. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "