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" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

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" I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. "

" I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. "

Seth MacFarlane

" I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "

Bertrand Russell

" Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. "

" I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks. "

Wendi McLendon-Covey

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time. "

Michael Schumacher

" I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed. "

" It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week. "

Laurence J. Peter

" A cultural thing that is funny to me is that every time I go out in D.C. after a show, all the nightclubs and restaurants are owned by Iranians and Afghans. It's funny to me how we lost our countries but we gained the nightlife. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "

Jean de la Bruyere

" I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. "

" I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. "

" I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. "

Kristen Stewart

" My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought. "

" When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

Albert Einstein

" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

" I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. "

" Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. "

" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "