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" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

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" People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I like doing comedy, I like doing drama. Naturally I like to do, I like doing dramas, I like conflict, and when I do a comedy, you know, I've found that, like, romantic comedy is the trickiest one, because often it's neither: it's not romantic and it's not funny. So, like, I like a comedy that's biting. It's biting humor or really quirky humor. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" There's a misunderstanding about what nonsensical things are - the idea that they're just funny, and that's the beginning and the end of it. Nonsense is not 'not sense' - it operates at the edge of sense. It teems with sense - at the same time, it resists any kind of universal understanding. "

" I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" The great thing for me about 'The Resurrection of Gavin Stone' is it's a throwback to the old fashioned Hollywood movie that you can watch with your family, has a message, and is funny and entertaining. They didn't call them faith-based movies; they just called them good movies. "

" Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's what makes it funny. It's not being stuck in your character and how you're gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation. "

" I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. "

" What is scary to me is silly to somebody else. CG isn't scary to me. It's like comedy - comedy and horror are quite similar, in that there'll always be somebody who'll say, 'I don't think that was funny.' And it's the same with things that are meant to be scary. "

Guillermo del Toro

" One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. "

" I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" My father was a very funny man, and one of my strongest recollections is hearing him laugh. He didn't like people who had no sense of humour. "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "

" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "

Christopher Plummer

" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

Cathy Guisewite

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. "

" I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "