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" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

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" Every man is his own hell. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "