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" Every man is his own hell. "

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" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "